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  • RT @david8hughes: [sits back down after magician doesn't pick me as a volunteer] Why did he choose that fully clothed idiot?
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  • RT @ibid78: "Jerk off motion to dismiss, Your Honor." "Jerk off motion denied, Rad Lawyer."
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  • RT @_BlueEyed_Devil: I don't think this chick is impressed by my Sean Connery impression at all
  • RT @shesananteater: We high five a lot at work. It's probably the main reason I stay.
  • RT @KevinDeanGander: Her brain would win a wet t-shirt contest.
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  • RT @WarriorFreckled: DID YA KNOW THAT EVERY WEEK CAN BE SHARK WEEK IF YOU'RE A FAN OF CARTILAGINOUS FISH NOTHING'S STOPPING YOU FROM ENJOYI…
  • RT @RandomAntics: Give a man a fish and he will be utterly confused unless you've had some prior conversation explaining why you just hande…
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  • RT @Social_Mime: I am great with comebacks but I require a 5 minute window.
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  • RT @ibid78: "Let's talk about the résumé you emailed us" "Ok" "It's a .gif of Bruce Lee punching a dude" "Sure is" "I'd like to you to meet…
  • RT @PsychographEd: We are living in an age where everybody is holding a stupid device in their hands and keep looking at that device every …
  • RT @llvvzz: Losers make their girlfriend jealous of other women. Real men make other women jealous of their girlfriend.
  • RT @Dawn_M_: Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
  • RT @Bownuggets: Sex is a lot like baseball. Sweaty, dirty balls smacking around. Lots of heavy petting. Your Dad is there, screaming insults
  • RT @MichaelHartney: What I hate about this office bathroom closed sign, from most to least: 1) Unnecessary commas 2) Comic sans 3) The bat…
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